I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
