Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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