last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
