her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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