Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
