Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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