I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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