I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
