Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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