$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
