We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
