Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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