Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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