This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
