he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
