I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We got so high we made milksteak
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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