Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize