If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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