My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
