we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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