Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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