So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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