Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
