there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just gift wrapped bread.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
