My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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