He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
