I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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