"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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