Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
