Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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