I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just invented taco cereal.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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