I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
