you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
