No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
