I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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