I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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