My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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