If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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