i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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