Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
