Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
