do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
