so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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