Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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