my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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