I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
