gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
