Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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