Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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