I cannot find my penis.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
