I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
