I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
