Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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