Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You brought string cheese to the strip club
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I believe in your delicious
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
