when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
