Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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